God was good to me, a faithful Father…counsellor…and protector. Three years before I left my home, I returned to work at the hospital where I had worked at the end of my training. I had not practised as a trained nurse for 21 years. Everything had changed. The  drugs I had learned as a rookie staff nurse were mostly obsolete. I was in charge of a ward with a little experience and a whole lot of insecurity. 

Before I put on my uniform on my first day of work, God gave me a promise…

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated…”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54‬:‭4‬a NIV‬‬

…a random Scripture out of context but, oh how He kept His promise. I remember on one occasion, early in my new position, when I was about to make a serious mistake with a patient’s medication, I felt a caution inside…a voice that said, ”Look what you are doing!” I looked again and quickly corrected my mistake. How grateful I am for a Father who was so intimately involved in my life!

For seven-and-a-half years, I worked, learned, and grew in confidence and experience as a trained nurse. Through great responsibility, God did much to heal me. I returned to work feeling like a “non-person”. Then, I slowly gained a new perspective of myself, my capacity to carry out my duties faithfully, with skill and integrity, as a child of God with God grace and help.  As I was given more responsibility, finally being in charge of the maternity department until I resigned, I became more of a whole person than I was during the toxic years of my marriage. 

In 1994, South Africa transitioned to  democracy and, with the change came a subtle change in the attitude in many of the hospital staff, an arrogance that defied authority. Nurses were often non-compliant, resisting instructions, acting as though they were in charge. 

As a white sister in charge of a department, I found difficulty in running my ward efficiently. Nurses would disappear, attending union meetings without asking permission, leaving me alone on the whole floor to handle everything including patients in labour…

but…I had a dream…a desire to run my own Bed-and-Breakfast. The situation in the hospital spurred me on to pray my dream into reality. I wrote, on a card I placed in my Bible, all the details of what I wanted and what I prayed for.  Ten months later, every detail of my dream was fulfilled. 

So, in 1996, I resigned from the hospital and launched into my great adventure…I, who had absolutely no experience of running a business, was solely in charge of a brand new enterprise…I, with no knowledge and no back-up…ran my B&B for eight years!  

One situation stands out clearly during that time. My finances were in deep trouble. I began my business with a bank overdraft. My B&B, in a relatively small town,  was at the mercy of much stronger players, influential men who had more clout than I had in the town. I, and other small players, lived on the dregs of the customers they left for us. 

The result was that my overdraft was eventually in overdraft! I was desperate. I wept my mattress wet day after day but nothing changed. I was even too afraid to buy a load of bread! 

One morning, as I sat in my car outside my church, waiting for the opening of the church for our weekly early morning prayer meeting, I cried out to God…” Why do I feel so rebellious?” God spoke, in my heart…as clearly as I am communicating with you.  “Because you think I have failed you!” 

Wow! Did that shake me! It was true. In the deepest part of my heart, that I was not even aware of, I was charging God for failing me! Think of that! I!!! Holding God guilty for not doing what I wanted! How arrogant of me! 

Like Paul said…

“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ ”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭9‬:‭20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I was mortified, melted…once again. God never rebukes to destroy. He rebukes to correct…and He needed to correct me because my attitude…my unbelief…was blocking something that was on the way…and I needed an open heart to receive it. 

Two years after I sold my business, I received a communication from the South African Revenue Service (SARS) that I needed to pay capital gains tax on the sale of my business. I was devastated. I needed every cent of my investment to live on. I visited the legal adviser at SARS to find out the details, and then awaited with trepidation for the assessment on my capital gain. 

A “window” envelope from SARS eventually arrived in the post…I trembled to open  it. Finally, I plucked up the courage to read it. At the bottom of the page, in the line marked “due by you” were four round zeros…00.00. 

The overdraft that had caused me so much grief was my salvation. No profit…no tax paid.  No tax paid, no capital gain.  My overdraft had saved me. God was vindicated. He was working in my darkest moments. Thank you, Father God! 

What a lesson…painful but effective. 

To be continued