Category Archives: Christian Life

GOD STILL SPEAKS…INCOMPLETION – 12

Christian Life, ,

My third revelation, at least for this series, is the story of a woman whose love for Jesus almost destroyed her…. but let me not run ahead of myself. 

It’s the story of Mary of Bethany in three parts…she listened…she lost…and she learned!

There was one place outside Jerusalem that became a haven for Jesus…the home of Martha, Mary, and Lazarus…in Bethany. He and His disciples were always welcome there. The responses of the siblings to His presence were always the same…Martha served…Mary sat…and Lazarus? Not there, it seems!

Mary loved to listen to Jesus. Protocol aside, even among the disciples,  she sat as close to Him as she could…at His feet. She drank in His words…loving His teachings from Torah… absorbing His messages about God’s kingdom…and, despite Martha’s protests, Jesus approved. He gently rebuked Martha for her resentment towards her sister for not sharing her labour in the kitchen. Mary was in the best place, doing the best thing…listening and learning at Jesus’ feet. 

Mary was learning  to love Jesus…passionately…as much as her understanding of Him would allow her. He could do anything. She believed in Him…even when tragedy struck. Her “baby brother”, Lazarus, became deathly sick. Jesus would come and heal him when they called. Of that she was certain. Lazarus would be well again…the crisis behind them…and life would go on with the memory of a miracle under their belt…so she believed. 

It didn’t happen that way. Yes, the sisters did call Jesus…urgently… “Come quickly. Lazarus is dying!”…but He didn’t come. Not then…not the next day…or the next day…until it was too late! Lazarus faded, then took his last breath. Lazarus was gone…and Jesus didn’t come! Why? 

Mary was devastated…shattered…destroyed! She wept until she had no more tears…for Lazarus, but even more…for her own disillusioned, broken heart. She had trusted Jesus…but He didn’t come! Why? Why didn’t He come? Didn’t He care? Where was He? Her entire being shut down. She fell into a dark hole of hopeless despair. 

When Jesus finally arrived…four days later…she didn’t want to look into His face. She didn’t even want to see Him. She shut herself up in her room and refused to come out. Nothing mattered any more. Lazarus was dead…and Jesus didn’t come!

Finally, in her pit of darkness, she heard them calling…” Mary, come! Jesus is calling for you!” She kept hearing the same words, “Mary, come…” until the sound penetrated her thick fog. She moved…slowly at first…and then…she ran…not because she wanted to see Him but because she wanted to tell Him how much He had hurt her. 

Her bitter words of rebuke tumbled from her lips…”If only you had come, my brother would not have died!” In those few words, Mary said it all. “I trusted you but you have destroyed my trust. I listened to you but now…your words are empty and meaningless.  Why did you do this to me…to us?”  

Jesus wept…the shortest verse in the Bible but in it, a world of revelation. Many have offered explanations for Jesus’ reaction…He cried in sympathy with Mary… He wept because the one He loved was dead…and so on. 

However, if we put Jesus’ reaction in context, a different reason emerges. Scripture records three occasions when Jesus wept. He wept over Jerusalem because of what was coming on the city and its people…and they had no idea of what would soon happen.  He wept in Gethsemane…over the ordeal He was facing. Why? Perhaps because He was aware that He of the possibility that He could fail. 

Then He wept in Bethany. 

Each time Jesus wept, it was not about Himself or His own pain. It was grief for another’s suffering. Why? Was it because, if they would only trust Him, His presence would make all the difference? 

On His way to the cross…the heavy crossbeam weighing Him down until He collapsed in the dirt under its weight,  blood dripping from His mashed flesh after the flogging…He stopped…

“A large crowd trailed behind, including many grief-stricken women. But Jesus turned and said to them, “Daughters of Jerusalem, don’t weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭23‬:‭27‬-‭28‬ ‭NLT‬‬

No, Jesus did not weep for dead Lazarus. He did not weep for Mary’s loss.  He wept for Mary’s faithlessness. Mary had abandoned the only thing that could have held her steady in her time of sorrow…her trust in Jesus. Instead, she accused Him, blamed Him for her loss, dismissed Him for His failure…and cut herself off from her only hope. 

What does Mary’s reaction to Jesus say to us…to me in any time of testing? This lesson has stuck with me…speaking loud and clear when I face impossible situations…Let Jesus finish what He started!! 

God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit NEVER do anything in my life without a purpose. God is ALWAYS intimately involved in the details of my life. Do I really believe that? If I do, then I must let Him finish what He started before I have an emotional meltdown. 

I think that Jesus wept because Mary put herself into an emotional “black hole” when she could have waited long enough to allow Him to write the whole story…to its conclusion. Bottom line…she did not trust Him. 

Is this not the worst that we can do to God? Unbelief still causes our God sorrow! The Bible is littered with expressions of God’s pain because His people refused to believe Him…refused to obey Him until He finally abandoned them to their enemies. He did it…not because He wanted to punish them…but because He had no other option. 

 If our faith in God is so precious to Him that He tests us repeatedly, surely then we should allow Him to finish what He starts without judging Him before we fall apart when the trial comes. 

“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭1‬:‭7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

To be concluded

GOOD STILL SPEAKS…REVELATION – 11

Christian Life, ,

Revelation…one of the Holy Spirit’s greatest ministries is to reveal Jesus…that we may gaze…contemplate His glory and be changed into His likeness. 

“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

And so, in recent days, the Spirit still speaks…not so much to correct my waywardness…

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30‬:‭21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

…but to reveal Jesus to me in ways I could never have discovered without His light.  

I will post again one of those rare and beautiful moments when the Holy Spirit led me deep into the heart of Jesus…not only that I might catch glimpses of His glory but also that His glory might spill over into my life…that I, and those who would learn from Him, might understand His ways and follow Him. 

Something caught my attention as I was pondering on a Scripture verse in Romans 8. I was searching the Scriptures to find out the real meaning of Jesus’ suffering. I had thought, in my ignorance, that what Jesus suffered was the terrible things that happened to Him when He was crucified, but then…the Holy Spirit began to show me from the Bible, that His suffering was much more than that. 

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Paul’s words puzzled me. What if I never suffer like some people suffer for their faith in Jesus? Does this mean that all the people, like me, who never suffer in this way, will not share in His inheritance or reign with Jesus?

So, I wondered, if I must suffer like Jesus suffered, what did He suffer? 

Then the Holy Spirit began to speak. The first thing He showed me was that Paul didn’t say that we must suffer FOR Jesus. He said that we must suffer WITH Jesus…alongside Him and in the same way.  Our identity and union with Jesus means that we have a part in what He suffered and in the way He suffered. 

This thought led me to the next discovery. How and what did Jesus suffer?

Isaiah prophesied…

“He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces, he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭53‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Rejection! He was rejected. He was dismissed and treated as though He were worthless…like rubbish to be thrown into the trash. This is the worst that one person can do to another. They cancelled Him! This must have been the nature of His suffering…so I thought. 

So, was it rejection that caused Jesus’ suffering? No, rejection was not the cause, as the Spirit began to show me, but the trigger…

…could it be that His suffering went deeper than than rejection?

Injustice! Was it injustice to reject Him? Why did they reject Him? Why did they crucify Him?

 Did Jesus suffer injustice? Yes, He did! Injustice of the worst kind because the religious leaders punished Him by crucifying Him for being who He said He was…the Son of God… 

…did He suffer because of injustice …or was it something else?

Jesus could also have responded to injustice in the same way as we do because He was human. He had the same human nature as we have…He could freely have chosen to respond in the right way or the wrong way. 

Hebrews tells us that…

“In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through what he suffered…Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭2‬:‭10‬, ‭18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Now we are slowly getting nearer to the real meaning of Jesus’ suffering…not only what He suffered but also when and how He suffered.  When did Jesus suffer? He suffered when He was tempted! His suffering was not about what people did to Him. His suffering was about the way He reacted to what they did to Him. Jesus’ reaction was about revealing what was in Him when He suffered…in His humanity, especially in the way He reacted to injustice. 

Why injustice?

Why injustice? Injustice is the one thing that arouses our urge to retaliate. Everything inside us revolts against unjust treatment. “That’s not fair!” and hit back.  We retaliate because the other person treats us as worthless, has no regard for who we are… that we are people of worth, created in God’s image. 

This truth reaches deep into our souls, and affects us right from the moment someone says or does something unfair…even and especially in our early childhood. A child instinctively revolts!  A careless, unthinking comment can damage a child for life even if no harm is intended. 

Something like “You can do better…” when a child produces something imperfect, can cause a child to believe that the person was meaning, “You are not good enough,” or even, “You are not wanted.” From that moment on, a child might react to any words or actions that trigger the same belief even if the words are not true. Nasty words, rebellious actions, unruly behaviour…tell the story of retaliation against words or whatever has made them feel rejected by unfair treatment.  

People retaliate against injustice by punishing everyone around them, and especially those nearest to them…by bad attitudes and bad behaviour…or punishing themselves by actions and behaviour that cause harm to themselves. 

Think about it! A careless comment to a young child spoken even without intention to wound, can be a deep hurt that lodges in the soul and colours everything that is said to or about him/her. From that moment on, the child behaves, and usually overreacts, in a way that retaliates to the perceived hurt. Everything is viewed through the original wound. 

“You can do better,” is interpreted as, “You are not good enough…” or “You are imperfect,” or ”I reject you because you don’t measure up to my standard.” Whatever the statement, it is filtered through, “You can do better.”

So, we come to the issue of Jesus’ attitude to retaliation. His life was peppered with rejection. How did He react? Did He defend Himself? Did He hit back? Did He take revenge? No! He refused to retaliate to injustice. He practised self-control…self restraint. He said “No!” to the temptation to vindicate Himself by punishing Himself or others…and therein lies the temptation and the suffering. He always spoke the truth, not out of emotion or out of what others thought or said about Him, but out of who He knew He was…the Son of God. 

Consider these words that preceded Jesus’ greatest act of humility as the Son of God. He did the opposite of what any of us would do. 

“Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God. So he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, and poured water into a basin. Then he began to wash the disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel he had around him.”

‭‭John‬ ‭13‬:‭3‬-‭5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Only someone who knew who he was could do that!

Imagine how difficult it must have been for Him to stay silent during His trial, when His judges accused Him of blasphemy and many other trumped-up charges. He had every reason to defend Himself, but He did not. Before the Sanhedrin…before Pilate…

“Then the high priest stood up before the others and asked Jesus, “Well, aren’t you going to answer these charges? What do you have to say for yourself?” But Jesus was silent and made no reply….”

‭‭Mark‬ ‭14‬:‭60‬-‭62‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Then the leading priests kept accusing him of many crimes, and Pilate asked him, “Aren’t you going to answer them? What about all these charges they are bringing against you?” But Jesus said nothing, much to Pilate’s surprise.”

‭‭Mark‬ ‭15‬:‭3‬-‭5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He only responded to the one question He was obliged to answer…and He did so with the truth that sealed His fate. 

“Then the high priest asked him, “Are you the Messiah, the Son of the Blessed One?” Jesus said, “I Am. And you will see the Son of Man seated in the place of power at God’s right hand and coming on the clouds of heaven.”

Mark 14:62-62 NLT

Jesus answered this question…not in defence but in testimony. I AM! That was the last straw for His accusers. 

“Then the high priest tore his clothing to show his horror and said, “Why do we need other witnesses? You have all heard his blasphemy. What is your verdict?” “Guilty!” they all cried. “He deserves to die!” Then some of them began to spit at him, and they blindfolded him and beat him with their fists. “Prophesy to us,” they jeered. And the guards slapped him as they took him away.”

‭‭Mark‬ ‭14‬:‭63‬-‭65‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Peter summed up Jesus’ attitude throughout His trial. Jesus was not looking for a way to wriggle out of His predicament. He willingly submitted to the Father’s purpose because He was a son who always submitted to and obeyed the Father… and because He knew the outcome. How He reacted to injustice during His last hours was a testimony to His victory over sin in all its forms, throughout His life. 

Peter holds up Jesus’ example as a pattern for believers to follow…the only and effective way to respond to injustice…

“But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.”

This is the way we suffer with Jesus, by adopting His attitude and doing what He did. 

“He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.” When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭2‬:‭20‬-‭24‬

The key to the victory over the onslaught to our identity depends on which way we are looking. Inwardly…we are insulted…we retaliate. Upward…we are untouched. We entrust to the Father the right and power to take revenge because He is just

and He will act for us. 

Paul affirms Peter’s counsel with a 

command…

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭19‬, ‭21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Only by grace and through the power of His Spirit can we follow Jesus’ example. Retaliating to injustice has set the world on fire…everywhere! Refusing to retaliate stops the downward process in its tracks and puts the fire out. 

So, why do some people speak and behave in cruel and unjust ways towards others? They are inadvertently giving evidence to their own deep hurt that festers inside themselves, and shows on the outside that their lives are poisoned by their own unresolved rejection. 

What is the solution? Cut off the root by honest confession to God and the choice to trust Him for vindication… and the flow of poison will cease. 

Do not retaliate! Retaliation in all its forms…anger, bitterness inside or revenge outside, will effectively disqualify you from inheriting the nature of Jesus when you see Him face to face. Confirm His nature being formed in you in this life by entrusting yourself to Him who judges justly. Then you will receive your inheritance in the life to come…the glory of Jesus!

There it is! Shining the light on Jesus, the Holy Spirit revealed to me one of the deepest insights into the character of Jesus I have ever understood… and one of the hardest lessons for me to learn…that I might also share in His suffering…and the glory…and the inheritance to follow. 

To be continued

GOOD STILL SPEAKS…EXPLANATION -7

Christian Life, ,

Why does God sometimes speak directly into our hearts the clear words that our spirits hear? Is it because there are no words in Scripture that match our own situation? Is it because our thoughts are so loud that we cannot hear God’s voice?  Is it because sin is so entrenched that our spirits are too dead to hear His soft whisper?

I don’t know the answer but I do know that God is too loving, too committed to finishing what He started to give up on us, to let us get away with our foolishness. 

My disastrous marriage left a deep void in my heart…a deep longing to be loved…not “loved” in the sense that I was just there,  my presence taken for granted… to care for my home and children but truly loved by someone who knew me intimately and loved me for who I am.  I couldn’t diagnose the reason for my emptiness then but…I felt the ache that needed to be filled. 

Of course, my sinful, old nature would find a way…and I sought help in a so-called “friendship”that pretended to be a solution…a substitute for the one who should have been my soul mate.

One morning, years later, in my kitchen at my B&B, my mind began to dwell on those days of pain and loneliness. Why did I follow a path that eventually led nowhere? Why did I think that human companionship outside my marriage could satisfy the ache in my heart? The friendship was still there but also the same familiar feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction. Why?

The Holy Spirit dropped a gentle word into my heart, so clear that I could not miss it. “You were drinking at the wrong fountain!” Instantaneously, I understood. 

Jeremiah, the ancient prophet of Israel, wrote words that expressed the sorrow in God’s heart when His people, times without number, worshiped idols instead of their own loving God. 

“This is what the Lord says: “What fault did your ancestors find in me, that they strayed so far from me? They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves… “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭2‬:‭5‬, ‭13‬ ‭NIV‬‬. 

Water! In Scripture, love is often spoken of as water, drinking water from a fountain. Solomon advised his son… 

“Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭5‬:‭15‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I remembered Jesus’ encounter with a Samaritan woman at a well outside her village. Jesus knew that,  after a series of failed marriages, five in all, she had shacked up with a man she could leave at any time if it didn’t work out.  

Jesus didn’t judge her. He didn’t condemn her. Instead, He offered her “living water”…a love so pure that it would completely satisfy her craving for authentic love…love that would last…never fail…disappoint…or degrade her in any way. In simple, wordless words, He explained, “You are  drinking at the wrong fountain!” 

How precious is the Spirit of God! He didn’t judge or condemn me. He simply explained my foolish behaviour. “You were drinking at the wrong fountain!” From that moment, my guilt and shame were obliterated. Like all sinners, everywhere, throughout all time, I had foolishly tried to slake my thirst at the wrong fountain. 

Jesus cried out, to His own people, who were trying, desperately, to drink God’s pure love from a fountain tainted with their own self-righteousness…

“On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.””

‭‭John‬ ‭7‬:‭37‬-‭38‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Jesus offers love…flowing from the heart of God…so pure, so strong, so eternal, that anyone who comes to Him, who drinks from the fountain of His Spirit, will be satisfied forever…God Himself abiding in the heart. 

Not only did the Holy Spirit explain. He transformed! That was the moment when I began to seek the love He offered…the same love that I had felt so warm and strong when my baby died inside me. 

Jesus alone is the fountain of divine love. Only He can slake the thirst of a heart created for Himself Human love will always fail…fickle…self-gratifying…falling of short of the enduring faithfulness found in God alone. 

What captured my heart in this personal encounter with God’s Spirit in that quiet moment at my kitchen table was simply this…the Spirit of God NEVER beat me over the head with condemnation. He didn’t enforce my guilt. He didn’t highlight my sin. He came to me with a simple explanation and a new direction. How precious was that revelation. He called me back to who I was in Christ…a beloved daughter who had wandered off the path. 

This is true repentance…not just the realisation that I had grieved the Father’s heart… but the loving call to come back home. God never discards the sinner. He forgives, cleanses, and restores. 

Since that day, I have been learning to drink at the fountain of living water…Jesus Himself. His love is pure, everlasting, and fully satisfying. 

To be continued

GOD STILL SPEAKS…BUSINESS WOMAN – 6

Christian Life, ,

God was good to me, a faithful Father…counsellor…and protector. Three years before I left my home, I returned to work at the hospital where I had worked at the end of my training. I had not practised as a trained nurse for 21 years. Everything had changed. The  drugs I had learned as a rookie staff nurse were mostly obsolete. I was in charge of a ward with a little experience and a whole lot of insecurity. 

Before I put on my uniform on my first day of work, God gave me a promise…

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated…”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54‬:‭4‬a NIV‬‬

…a random Scripture out of context but, oh how He kept His promise. I remember on one occasion, early in my new position, when I was about to make a serious mistake with a patient’s medication, I felt a caution inside…a voice that said, ”Look what you are doing!” I looked again and quickly corrected my mistake. How grateful I am for a Father who was so intimately involved in my life!

For seven-and-a-half years, I worked, learned, and grew in confidence and experience as a trained nurse. Through great responsibility, God did much to heal me. I returned to work feeling like a “non-person”. Then, I slowly gained a new perspective of myself, my capacity to carry out my duties faithfully, with skill and integrity, as a child of God with God grace and help.  As I was given more responsibility, finally being in charge of the maternity department until I resigned, I became more of a whole person than I was during the toxic years of my marriage. 

In 1994, South Africa transitioned to  democracy and, with the change came a subtle change in the attitude in many of the hospital staff, an arrogance that defied authority. Nurses were often non-compliant, resisting instructions, acting as though they were in charge. 

As a white sister in charge of a department, I found difficulty in running my ward efficiently. Nurses would disappear, attending union meetings without asking permission, leaving me alone on the whole floor to handle everything including patients in labour…

but…I had a dream…a desire to run my own Bed-and-Breakfast. The situation in the hospital spurred me on to pray my dream into reality. I wrote, on a card I placed in my Bible, all the details of what I wanted and what I prayed for.  Ten months later, every detail of my dream was fulfilled. 

So, in 1996, I resigned from the hospital and launched into my great adventure…I, who had absolutely no experience of running a business, was solely in charge of a brand new enterprise…I, with no knowledge and no back-up…ran my B&B for eight years!  

One situation stands out clearly during that time. My finances were in deep trouble. I began my business with a bank overdraft. My B&B, in a relatively small town,  was at the mercy of much stronger players, influential men who had more clout than I had in the town. I, and other small players, lived on the dregs of the customers they left for us. 

The result was that my overdraft was eventually in overdraft! I was desperate. I wept my mattress wet day after day but nothing changed. I was even too afraid to buy a load of bread! 

One morning, as I sat in my car outside my church, waiting for the opening of the church for our weekly early morning prayer meeting, I cried out to God…” Why do I feel so rebellious?” God spoke, in my heart…as clearly as I am communicating with you.  “Because you think I have failed you!” 

Wow! Did that shake me! It was true. In the deepest part of my heart, that I was not even aware of, I was charging God for failing me! Think of that! I!!! Holding God guilty for not doing what I wanted! How arrogant of me! 

Like Paul said…

“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ ”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭9‬:‭20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I was mortified, melted…once again. God never rebukes to destroy. He rebukes to correct…and He needed to correct me because my attitude…my unbelief…was blocking something that was on the way…and I needed an open heart to receive it. 

Two years after I sold my business, I received a communication from the South African Revenue Service (SARS) that I needed to pay capital gains tax on the sale of my business. I was devastated. I needed every cent of my investment to live on. I visited the legal adviser at SARS to find out the details, and then awaited with trepidation for the assessment on my capital gain. 

A “window” envelope from SARS eventually arrived in the post…I trembled to open  it. Finally, I plucked up the courage to read it. At the bottom of the page, in the line marked “due by you” were four round zeros…00.00. 

The overdraft that had caused me so much grief was my salvation. No profit…no tax paid.  No tax paid, no capital gain.  My overdraft had saved me. God was vindicated. He was working in my darkest moments. Thank you, Father God! 

What a lesson…painful but effective. 

To be continued

GOOD STILL SPEAKS…MARRIAGE – 5

Christian Life, ,

My stormy marriage of 26 years yielded many lessons and many opportunities for God to speak…and He did…sometimes in clear words and sometimes in the things that happened…things that He allowed and things that He orchestrated…all for my good and His glory. 

The rift between my husband and me began to widen. His anger…for him a protective shield against the pain of his own suffering as a rejected son, which I did not understand…and my stubborn independence and reactions to his rages dug a chasm that only became deeper as the years went by. 

Oh, how I wrestled with my own bitter resentment towards him, conveniently forgetting that there are always two in the equation. 

Our caravan became my refuge. 

Wherever we were, first in the city, then in the town where my husband ministered in a small church, and then in my own home town…where we relocated to be with my eldest son whom we had placed in a boarding school, close to my parents…the conflict continued and the chasm widened. I spent agonising times in the caravan, locked away in secret, to weep and cry to God for deliverance from this prison of anger and fear. 

I was terribly afraid of the rages that exploded with volcanic violence at the slightest provocation. Even worse was the fact that one of my sons who clearly had his father’s  genes, angered him so much that one night, after a trivial incident, he threatened to kill him. 

I clearly remember, on another occasion, as I sat in the bath bewailing my ever-recurring resentment towards my husband and the depth of my own sinful heart,  “How can you put up with me?” I cried out to God. 

The words of the Lord came to me, clearly in my heart…”I can handle your blunders but I cannot handle your pride!” What a rule to live by! God’s words hit me between the eyes. 

I must confess that, though the message was clear, I have not anyways remembered it to my detriment. Isn’t pride the most lethal of our attributes as descendants of Adam? 

Our marriage finally ended in divorce in 1991. I had promised the Lord that I would never take  the initiative in a divorce. I would wait for him to deliver me…and He did. After a particularly explosive situation, my husband ordered me to get out of the house and never come back…and I fled! 

By this time, three sons had left home to make their own way. My youngest son was sixteen…and I had to leave him to the mercy of his father…so much damage occurred during that time that I only became aware of much later in our lives. 

In those thirteen months before the divorce was legalised, God spoke to me in clear directives on more than one occasion. Let me enlarge on one of them…

I left my home that night with a suitcase of clothing, my sewing machine, and a motor scooter for transport. My youngest son was left with his father because I was homeless. I spent the first few months of my exile in the Nurses’ Home of the hospital where I worked…in a small room which was the sum total of my space at that time. 

After weeks of frustration with only a small table to do my sewing, and much prayer,  one Sunday morning I fell on my knees beside my bed and cried out to God, “What are we waiting for?”  God’s response shook me. He said “You are not waiting for me. I am waiting for you!”

In a flash, everything became clear! That’s how it is when God speaks. It was about my attitude. I was impatient, angry with God, frustrated because He was not doing anything to help me…so I thought…but He was! He was waiting for my surrender, my trust, my willingness to submit to His leading, His timing, His will. 

What he said to me next was the directive that changed everything. He said to me, clearly, unmistakably, “Pay off your car,” and, “You will not go into debt.” 

My father had lent me the money to buy my friend’s small car. Living in the Nurses’ Home was cheap which meant that I could repay the balance of my loan in five months instead of two years. 

On that same Sunday morning, after God’s word had come to me so clearly, a friend’s husband who lived on a small holding on the outskirts of town, met me in town and told me of his intention to convert a disused double garage into a cottage for me! 

God’s love and mercy had been at work all the time…and so, a few weeks later, I moved into a two- bedroomed cottage on the farm where I lived happily for four years. 

As I reflect on those turbulent years…tossed out…homeless, and yet…I had a Father who was lovingly caring and providing for me, day by day nurturing my faith in Him and preparing me for my greatest adventure. 

To be continued