A FEW THOUGHTS ON DISAPPOINTMENT
We all experience disappointments, big or small, on our journey through life. What is disappointment? Why are we disappointed?
Disappointment is a feeling of being let down or betrayed when our expectations are not met. We continually place expectations on God, people, or circumstances, many of which are unreasonable or of which the other person has no knowledge or is incapable of fulfilling for whatever reason.
The expectations we have of God are usually based on ignorance, or misunderstanding of who He is, or on what His will and purposes are for us. We pray for things we want, or for God to change the circumstances which make us uncomfortable or unhappy. We make demands of Him based on our own will or wishes instead of submitting to His greater wisdom and purposes.
When nothing happens, we are disappointed, and we hold God accountable for not answering us as we expected. We sometimes even lose faith and walk away because He didn’t do anything for us.
On the other hand, when we fail in our walk with the Lord, we are disappointed with ourselves and we impose our disappointment on God as though He doesn’t know us better than we know ourselves. We beat ourselves up for our failure and fall into depression instead of viewing ourselves as God see us.
“13 The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. 14 For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.”
Psalms 103:13-14 NLT
God sees the bigger picture. He is writing our small story into His big story. Where what we want and demand now is determined by our short-sighted selfishness, God is working in all things for our good.
“23 Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. 24 But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew all about people. 25 No one needed to tell him about human nature, for he knew what was in each person’s heart.”
John 2:23-25 NLT
How reassuring to know that Jesus does not place any unrealistic expectations on us because He knows us! He is never surprised by our failures or disappointed by our sin. All He asks of us is that we are humble enough to acknowledge and take responsibility for our wrongdoing instead of blaming someone or something other than our own sinful hearts.
“8 If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. 9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”
1 John 1:8-9 NLT
What about our disappointment with people? We often place unreasonable expectations on a friend or family member, based on our standards, that they are not aware of or incapable of fulfilling. We judge him/her when he/she doesn’t come up to scratch. We feel let down. We might even cut off our association with that person or become depressed because he/she has failed us.
Doesn’t our attitude often arise from the deep-seated, inborn feeling that we are better than the other person? Of course, we would never do to him/her what he/she has done to us!
We fail to recognise or acknowledge that we are just as capable of sin as the other person, given the circumstances. Only by God’s grace can we resist our fleshly temptations in favour of doing the right thing, no matter the cost.
When we humbly recognise our own frailty, we will be more willing to give the one who “failed” us the benefit of the doubt. Our disappointment will give way to understanding and the willingness to forgive rather than to judge.
Sometimes, our circumstances are so stressful that we cry out to the Lord in despair, expecting an instant response, only to wait in vain for deliverance. We weep and wail in anguish, but God seems silent and inactive. Like Job, we plead for answers but no answer comes.
Something happened in the lives of Martha and Mary, Jesus’ dear friends, that illustrate Jesus’ seeming indifference and the disappointment they felt that led to unnecessary pain and grief.
Let‘s look at the background to the story. Martha, Mary and Lazarus lived together in Bethany, a village near Jerusalem. Jesus often seemed to use their home as a place of refuge. They were His good friends and when Lazarus fell ill, it was only natural that the sisters would call Him.
I often wonder where Lazarus fitted into this friendship. On Jesus’ earlier visits to the sisters’ home, he is never mentioned. Did he have reservations about Jesus? Did he resist Jesus’ teaching and side with the religious leaders?
John records that Jesus loved Lazarus. Was it one-sided? Of course, Jesus loved him regardless of his response. Was he not part of a family very special to the Lord?
It seems that Jesus directed this whole incident towards revealing Himself to all three members of this family that would secure their faith in Him once and for all. Why did He deliberately ignore their cry for help when Lazarus lay dying?
To have gone running back to heal Lazarus would have been a notable miracle for them but not any different or bigger than the many miracles He had done for sick people.
When Jesus and His disciples finally reached Bethany, it was too late. By this time, Lazarus’ body was already decomposing in the tomb. The sisters reacted differently to this disastrous disappointment in Jesus.
“20 When Martha got word that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him. But Mary stayed in the house.”
John 11:20
Martha, the practical one, met Jesus on His way in and reproached Him for His tardiness. She was not yet ready to trust Him enough to see the bigger picture beyond the present circumstances.
“21 Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
John 11:20-21 NLT
Martha’s confidence in Jesus was limited to what she knew of Him rather than in what He was in His fullness as the Son of God.
Jesus was quick to rebuke her for questioning His action. He hinted at His desire to reveal to this family a far greater truth about both the Father and Himself than they could ever imagine.
“4 But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.”
John 11:4 NLT
I think Martha, at this point, was repeating her belief in a theological fact included in her religious system, but not in a powerful conviction, written on her heart, that gave her hope.
“23 Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.” 24 “Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.”
John 11:23-24 NLT
Jesus, always alert to opportunities to reveal who He was – the Son of God, used this situation to drive home the glory of the Father, revealed in the Son, who had power over death itself. His own resurrection, foretold before it happened, would guarantee the resurrection of all those who believe in Him.
Jesus’ declaration, “I am the resurrection and the life,” brought from Martha the confession,
27 “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.”
John 11:27 NLT
… but did she really know what she was saying?
What about Mary?
Jesus was fully aware that Mary was avoiding Him. She refused to go out to meet Him until He called her. Her grief and disillusionment were so deep that she didn’t want to see Him.
Her words to Him, though exactly the same as Martha’s rebuke, were heavy with anger and anguish. Her faith in Him had been shattered and her hope destroyed. She lashed out at Jesus with all the emotion she could muster. Everything she thought she knew about Him was gone, wrecked by His seeming indifference.
Jesus wept, not at Lazarus’ death, but because of Mary’s failure to trust Him. Didn’t she understand that He had something far greater to reveal than His power to heal the sick? He came to make the true Father known, not the rigid, disciplinarian God Israel believed in.
The Father Jesus came to reveal would never ignore the cry of His child. However, if He seemed indifferent, it was His plan to do something far greater than His child expected.
Finally, when Mary saw the whole picture, her anger and bitterness turned to worship. In the next chapter, we see Mary at Jesus’ feet and Lazarus in Jesus’ company, reclining at the banquet table with Him.
Did Lazarus’ death experience at last convince him that Jesus was who He said He was, the Son of God? Gone were his reservations, gone his antagonism and opposition. What had his experience with death taught him? Did he have a glimpse of hell, or perhaps feel the hot breath of the flames?
Did Lazarus need an experience as extreme as death to convince him that Jesus spoke the truth about Himself and His Father?
Had Mary only realised that Jesus had a much bigger and better plan than she could ever imagine, she would not have wasted her emotional energy on grief and disappointment. If she had trusted Him and waited until He came, and seen what He could do, she would have brought Him joy instead of tears.
What lessons can we draw from this story about the way to handle our disappointments?
1. Disappointment will always be a part of life. However, our perspective will either produce emotional distress or grow a greater trust in the love of the Father.
If we consider God’s failure to meet our expectations when and how we demand, we will question His love for us, or even back down on our commitment to Him as Lord.
If we are convinced that God is in charge of our circumstances, we will be willing to submit to His timing and agenda. When bad things happen, we will wait for the final outcome instead of losing faith in Him.
“14 So he will do to me whatever he has planned. He controls my destiny.”
Job 23:14 NLT
2. If we think that people who let us down are the cause of our disappointment, we will always be at the mercy of fallible human beings.
If we recognise that we are as capable of failing them as they failed us, instead of judging, we will forgive out of compassion and understanding.
3. Disappointment can be a great test of the measure of our faith in God. Are we trusting Him only for what He can do for us, or is our faith in who He is, regardless of the outcome of our prayers.
If we are willing to wait for the outcome of our trial instead of insisting on an instant resolution, based on our conviction that God is working in all things for our good, we will save ourselves from a great deal of unnecessary emotional pain. Our confidence in God will lift us above the turmoil of circumstances into the pure atmosphere of peace no matter what we encounter on our journey through life.
“6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7 NLT